undecidedness

decisions, decisions

decisions. ever since i was younger i can remember having a hard time deciding anything. i would stress over the simplest of things; what to wear that day, what to do that weekend, how to fix my hair the next day.

ridiculous? yes. stupid? no.

you see, even though those things are trifle and insignificant in the overall scheme of life, what i had come to realize is that every single decision we make has an outcome. it’s important that we analyze the situation and pick the best option for ourselves, not only at that very moment in life, but for our future selves as well.

as i became older and the decisions that i began to face started to become more and more life changing (college, a career, etc.) i quickly became overwhelmed. what was i supposed to do? what was it that God wanted me to do? should i follow my parents’ advice or my gut? did i even know what my gut wanted me to do? do i take the easy route or the scary route? the thought that i might make a wrong decision scared me immensely.

after many long nights of anxious worrying and plotting out the path my life would take with each option, i finally made my decisions. and even though it was important that i made those decisions, the decisions that i made were not the most important thing that i came out with from that process. through the decision making process of choosing a college (i’m still undecided about that career choice) i learned that the only bad decision is not making decisions at all. if you sit back and allow the world to make decisions for you, your only losing yourself. and in this big, crazy, hunk of a sphere floating in space, the only thing you know for certain that you have is yourself.

so go out and make some decisions. make some sane ones, some crazy ones. some realistic ones, some unrealistic ones. some smart ones, some stupid ones. and some that are just plain out of this world. and yes, it’s ok to be scared of decisions. but don’t fear the act of making a decision. fear the lack of making a decision, and in turn, handing over the rights to your own life.

i’m human.

name. bethany.
age. 19.
college. freed-hardeman university.
year. freshman.
major. undecided.
favorite color. undecided.
favorite movie. undecided.
favorite flavor of ice cream. undecided.
favorite song. undecided.
where home is. undecided.
best friend. undecided.
future plans for life. undecided.

i could go on for days with my list of undecidedness. my life in general right now is a big bucket of undecidedness poo. not only do i not know the huge things about my life, like what to major in and what direction that i want to take my life, i don’t know the little things either. 

oh i used to know. two years ago i was set on going to wvu and becoming a rich pharmacist. finding a handsome husband with a medical degree. have a huge house with an in-ground swimming pool. build a second house on the river. drive a lincoln. buy a boat. have four kids. you know, the simple life.

but then something changed.

i can’t put my finger on it. all i know is that one moment i was sitting in my junior ap chemistry class, totally focused and determined toward my simple life goal, and the next i wasn’t. i was suddenly thrown into this world of undecidedness. this cruel, unfair, cold, lonely world of undecidedness. i had no idea what i wanted to do, but i was sure that it had nothing to do with covalent and ionic bonds. no longer did i want my simple life. no longer did i want that perfect lifestyle that i had built up in my head. no longer did i want to be in school for the next three hundred and forty-two years of my life. and ever since that day, i’ve become more and more undecided about my life. about what i want. about who i am.

through a series of events too long and complicated to explain right now, i ended up here. in henderson, tn. at freed-hardeman universtiy. and i thought that maybe, just maybe, it would help point me in the right direction. point me towards where i wanted to go. but guess what. it hasn’t. so now i’m in this small town, going to an even smaller school. and i wish i could tell you life is good. that i love this school. that it is everything that i hoped for and more. but it isn’t. it’s just confused me even more.

so why, i’m sure your thinking to yourself, am i blogging? that’s a good question. and i’ll let you decide whether or not i’ve got a good answer to it. the simple reason is this: i want to discover myself. i want to figure out where in this big big world i fit. i’m done feeling lost, confused, lonely, and without purpose. i’m hoping, but not expecting, to perhaps figure out what’s important to me through this. what makes me bethany.

i realize that you might think this is the most stupid thing any individual has decided to do. why not keep it private and write in a journal? why not confide with personal friends who actually care? why would you want the whole world to know whats going on with you and your deepest troubles? but here’s the thing. i simply don’t care. i’m not doing this for you. i’m doing this for me. nobody but me. for this one time in my life i’m going to be selfish. i’m going to speak my mind. blog about what i want. talk about what i want. not worry what my “friends” might think. because at the end of the day it all goes back to me. and if i don’t even know me, then who does?

when signing up for tumblr, it had me type two words to make sure i wasn’t a computer. the button that it required me to push simply said - “i’m human”. i think that’s a very fitting way to begin this new adventure. i’m going back to the basics. stripping it down to the very core of my being. i’m human. at this moment in time that’s all i really know about myself. so i’m human. and i’ll figure out the rest as it comes.