i’m human.
name. bethany.
age. 19.
college. freed-hardeman university.
year. freshman.
major. undecided.
favorite color. undecided.
favorite movie. undecided.
favorite flavor of ice cream. undecided.
favorite song. undecided.
where home is. undecided.
best friend. undecided.
future plans for life. undecided.
i could go on for days with my list of undecidedness. my life in general right now is a big bucket of undecidedness poo. not only do i not know the huge things about my life, like what to major in and what direction that i want to take my life, i don’t know the little things either.
oh i used to know. two years ago i was set on going to wvu and becoming a rich pharmacist. finding a handsome husband with a medical degree. have a huge house with an in-ground swimming pool. build a second house on the river. drive a lincoln. buy a boat. have four kids. you know, the simple life.
but then something changed.
i can’t put my finger on it. all i know is that one moment i was sitting in my junior ap chemistry class, totally focused and determined toward my simple life goal, and the next i wasn’t. i was suddenly thrown into this world of undecidedness. this cruel, unfair, cold, lonely world of undecidedness. i had no idea what i wanted to do, but i was sure that it had nothing to do with covalent and ionic bonds. no longer did i want my simple life. no longer did i want that perfect lifestyle that i had built up in my head. no longer did i want to be in school for the next three hundred and forty-two years of my life. and ever since that day, i’ve become more and more undecided about my life. about what i want. about who i am.
through a series of events too long and complicated to explain right now, i ended up here. in henderson, tn. at freed-hardeman universtiy. and i thought that maybe, just maybe, it would help point me in the right direction. point me towards where i wanted to go. but guess what. it hasn’t. so now i’m in this small town, going to an even smaller school. and i wish i could tell you life is good. that i love this school. that it is everything that i hoped for and more. but it isn’t. it’s just confused me even more.
so why, i’m sure your thinking to yourself, am i blogging? that’s a good question. and i’ll let you decide whether or not i’ve got a good answer to it. the simple reason is this: i want to discover myself. i want to figure out where in this big big world i fit. i’m done feeling lost, confused, lonely, and without purpose. i’m hoping, but not expecting, to perhaps figure out what’s important to me through this. what makes me bethany.
i realize that you might think this is the most stupid thing any individual has decided to do. why not keep it private and write in a journal? why not confide with personal friends who actually care? why would you want the whole world to know whats going on with you and your deepest troubles? but here’s the thing. i simply don’t care. i’m not doing this for you. i’m doing this for me. nobody but me. for this one time in my life i’m going to be selfish. i’m going to speak my mind. blog about what i want. talk about what i want. not worry what my “friends” might think. because at the end of the day it all goes back to me. and if i don’t even know me, then who does?
when signing up for tumblr, it had me type two words to make sure i wasn’t a computer. the button that it required me to push simply said - “i’m human”. i think that’s a very fitting way to begin this new adventure. i’m going back to the basics. stripping it down to the very core of my being. i’m human. at this moment in time that’s all i really know about myself. so i’m human. and i’ll figure out the rest as it comes.
